Aegnor's end
by jojo11
Summary: I'm just trying to connect my fanfic about Aegnor and Andreth a bit more with the Athrabeth. So this is about Aegnor's thoughts when he's dying.


Earonn: So here's your meeting at the lake.  
  
Silph: Thank you very, very much for beta-reading.  
  
I know, the story isn't long, but I seem to like shortstories at the moment.  
  
I'm not too good with all this old english-stuff, as the "thou" and all that, so don't care about the mistakes I've made (I hope there won't be to many.) and I'm pleased if anyone would tell me so I can correct them.  
  
Enjoy reading anyway!  
  
But too soon in the northwind his flame will go out...  
  
Aegnor's end  
  
I know I don't have much time left ere my flame will be extinguished by darkness and I will be summoned to Mandos' halls, so this is my farewell to thee, Andreth, whom I loved.  
  
Thou hast foreseen it, Andreth adaneth, wise-woman that thou hast become. Thou toldest Finrod to warn me: Tell him not to seek danger beyond need. But I thought it were nothing but Finrod's worries for me that made him say so. Maybe he too foresaw that this battle should be my last.  
  
Should I have been more prudent? It's always possible to be more prudent, to stay behind and let others fight. But it would have been unfair. So many others have a family somewhere, have someone waiting for them and doesn't have to this battle today. I don't have anyone.  
  
My parents dwell in Valinor and we are exiles here. I hadn't had any chance to see them ever again. I knew the very moment I turned around after the last debate, following Finrod as it would be so many times yet to come. Later I understood, why I had joined them – to find thee. But thence I didn't understand myself.  
  
Naneth will be angry with Adar when the news of my death reaches them, for letting us go without us knowing what lay ahead. She will shout at him as she did the day Feänor first started talking about Middle-earth.  
  
"Thy brother's mad ideas don't interest me", she shouted. "I'm a Teler and I'm going to stay." It was the first and only time Adar contradicted her. "He who is now dead was my father, too", he said, "and it's my duty to take revenge."  
  
"Feänor doesn't know what he is talking about", Naneth said, "none but the Valar can get the Silmaril back. It's insane to try. This is going to a bitter end."  
  
"I tried to calm them, but none would listen", Adar answered.  
  
And then Artanis, exactly Artanis, said she wanted to go to Middle-earth at any cost.  
  
From that moment on, everything was just a mess. Nobody would allow Artanis to leave alone, but she wouldn't change her mind. Angrod suggested to accompany her, but Finrod said he were not sensible enough, if anyone went with her it would be him, and Artanis screamed that she wouldn't need any protector.  
  
Then Adar said that he'd accompany anyone who'd like to go. Angrod and Artanis got angry because they didn't want to be treated like children. Naneth shouted no Balrog would ever make her go to Middle-earth, Orodreth tried to persuade her, only I remained silent and watched my whole life breaking into pieces.  
  
That very moment Fingolfin passed by to ask if we had made our decision... – I'd like to know whether Naneth ever forgave Adar for letting us go with Fingolfin.  
  
None knew what was coming towards us and yet we are here now.  
  
My brothers are near me, fighting somewhere and hoping for a victory. They don't know that I won't see this evening. How long will they endure? None fighting such battles will have a long life, they all will be slain sooner or later.  
  
Angrod the brave and Orodreth who pities every elf's death. And now I'm the first of his brothers to die. Wise Finrod who knows he will not die yet – not today. Last night he talked in his sleep like long ago when we were still children – at Tirion. He a different fate were waiting for him and he would have to fulfil it and pass into the darkness. Nobody else heard it, I was the only one to lie awake that night, not knowing that it would be my last one.  
  
Artanis is save at this moment, she's in Doriath to be taught by Melian. Once she shall be wiser than I ever was. And still she will remain my little sister, the only one in my family who it younger than me. Of course she would have been here today, too, but when we parted, Adar made her promise that she'd avoid any danger. Otherwise he wouldn't have allowed to her go. She was the little one to him, too. And now she has found this Sinda, Celeborn and they spend their time talking about marriage. I don't really like him. Maybe Angrod was right when he joked that I were jealous.  
  
No, here it none to miss me, for even thou, Andreth, hast nor not much time left. There was nothing for me here but thou and I never knew. And even if I had known, I had still come to Middle-earth.  
  
Now I won't remember Boromir's daughter while still alive though thou hast asked me to, I shall go to Mandos' halls before thou dost.  
  
Do candles pity moths?  
  
Or moths candles, when the wind blows them out?  
  
Finrod told me about your conversation. Art thou astonished that he knew about us? I never intented to tell him, honestly. But when I met him again, not too long after meeting thee at Bar-ned-thaur I knew I somehow had to tell him, no matter whether I wanted or not.  
  
He has always resembled me more than Artanis, Angrod or even Orodreth. None but me knew. Angrod and I were about the same age, naturally we spent most of our time together, although we were very different. He talked so much none noticed I remained silent and had lots of ideas. I admired him and imitated him and yet knew I'd never be like him. Sometimes it seemed as if Angrod were the only one to notice me.  
  
But I couldn't tell him what was on my mind. He had promised not to talk about it, that was enough. The last thing I wanted, were people laughing about my 'foolishness'. And he had never been in a similar situation, how should he understand me?  
  
Finrod, always deep in thoughts, knew. He had had to leave Amari(, whom he loved for coming to Middle-earth with us. When he asked her if she'd accompany him, she as an answer threw her silver ring at. Maybe she will forgive him when they meet again in Valinor. When his doom is fulfilled, as he says, and he returns from the halls.  
  
He was the only one able to understand me.  
  
Finrod said thou hast smiled, deep in old memories when he talked about the evening at the lake. We both know the truth, so didest thou understand it? I liked Tarn Aeluin and it was nearby.  
  
I wanted to make Finrod understand what I felt – there was a beautiful lake in Valinor and countless stars were mirrored in its clear waters.  
  
Finrod had been there with Amari(. And he understood. It was the only time I ever lied at him. –  
  
I've got enough time for this silent farewell. None was with me when these Orcs surrounded me and I'm alone still. None knew I was in danger, all of them were out of sight.  
  
And even if somebody has yet noticed my absence, they don't have time for worries, for the battle continues.  
  
Thus the enemies left, mean smiles on their ugly faces once they saw I could not withstand anymore. They wouldn't spend time on seeing me die, for they know my death is near. But they do not know the Quendi don't feel any pain once the feä knows it has to leave the hroä.  
  
So they gave me some endless minutes, knowing I am no more danger for anyone.  
  
If I had only seen thee once again. All the time I was afraid of meeting thee again, no matter how often I thought about riding to Bar-ned-thaur. But I was afraid thou mightest have changed. Maybe I would not have recognised thee anymore. I don't know Men that well.  
  
And I wanted to keep you in mind as I saw thee that last time. With the tears in thy eyes that only increased thy beauty.  
  
But now, as it is too late, I'd take any cruel fate upon me to meet thee ever again. Even if I had to become mortal, I wouldn't care. Once, when I was told about Men's fate for the first time, it seemed strange and dreadful to me. But it's all the same. For we all suffer death.  
  
And if I had been a Man, I hadn't hesitated, I would have asked thee if thou wouldest like to be my wife. Together we could have had a blissful life, but this way there was only loneliness. Is not a short, happy life better than remaining lonely forever?  
  
I don't know why I hesitated and turned away. Not because thou were not worth all that. Some might have mocked about us, but I wouldn't have cared. Why did thou not tell me thy thoughts? I could have tried to explain thee the truth. But I'd hardly managed Komma words have never been my friends. I hardly talked because my thoughts were merely pictures nobody else could understand.  
  
Thou knewest that I loved thee, I saw it in thy eyes. Did thou think this made me ashamed? Giving my love to one not seeming suitable for a Noldo from Finarfin's house?  
  
No, Andreth Adaneth, if thou believest thus, thou wert wrong. I don't blame thee therefore, we've never hat time to get to know each other.  
  
Hast thou become a wise-woman because thou couldest not answer my unimportant questions?  
  
Maybe I could've returned to Bar-ned-thaur, later, when the pain was not new anymore, but had become familiar. But I don't know if thou ever wanted to see me again. And I hoped I could keep new grief away from us. Yet we could have waved farewell to our dream. It can hardly ever have been more than a dream. Finrod once told me such marriages could not be often made and only for a high doom's purpose.  
  
But if fate lets us meet and gives us this love, is that no destiny? And who but Eru might know that we hadn't had a different fate if we had dared it, the first of those yet to come. It's to late now, doom sunders us right now.  
  
This battle shall be the last thing I'll ever see, for I know that I will not return from Mandos' halls. For it's too late now for our love and thou art the only one who really meant something to me during my life. If Mandos released me from his halls, the world would be different without thee. For thy sake I won't return, but remain within the halls of waiting until Arda's end.  
  
There won't be a definitive death nor any forgetting, at least not for me. Not only to thee the own fate seems worse. For thus I'll torture myself forever with the possibilities that could have existed although I know I can't change the past. But maybe it could have been different, within another time, another land. If we hadn't been thou and me.  
  
But now it's only memories staying with me, memories of thee and everything else. My brothers and little Artanis, once when we were still a family that lived in Tirion on the Túna. The trees are gone, as so much has passed and will not return.  
  
As I am past and shall not return. And even thou, Andreth, once...  
  
Thou shalt only know one thing, Andreth Adaneth, beloved Andreth: I have loved thee for all my life and I will love thee, until the end of Arda and beyond it.  
  
Adaneth: woman of Men, mortal woman  
  
Naneth: mother  
  
Adar: father  
  
Artanis: Galadriel's fathername. I used it because Aegnor, even if he knew it, wouldn't use the name Celeborn gave to his sister, especially as he does not value him.  
  
Bar-ned-thaur: dwelling-in-the-wood, still. 


End file.
